Housing and Real Estate
All sweeps and clearing of houseless encampments will immediately end.
Vacant properties owned by the Housing Authority shall have all locks cut.
All vacant lots owned by out-of-state LLCs shall be collectivized into community gardens.
All out-of-state landlords shall be registered with the city and must meet tenants in person and per city code shake their hand, look their new tenant in the eyes, and provide a personal cell phone number that will never be placed on mute.
Mandatory rent freezes will take effect citywide and evictions shall be halted for all city residents.
Residents with a 215 area code phone number will be given an additional $420 housing voucher bonus.
Economic Development
The SS United States shall be raised from its watery grave in the Atlantic, towed back to the banks of the Delaware, and rehabilitated into the new Sixers arena.
Comcast shall be nationalized as a public utility controlled by a syndicate of communications workers and Philadelphia citizens.
A minimum wage of $13.12 shall immediately be instituted. All hourly wage workers making under $69/hr will receive a pay differential increase between the new city minimum wage and the current federal minimum wage ($7.25/hr). Businesses found not in compliance will face quadruple damages awarded directly to workers and be placed in the public pillory in Dilworth Park.
Civic Engagement
The day of and after all post-season and playoff games for all Philly major league sports will be designated as city holiday.
Employment and Business Community
Any Philadelphia resident caught crossing a picket line will be placed in the Nicolas Sirianni Political Re-Education Facility that is to be built (with union labor) in the Pine Barrens.
All offenders shall be forced to attend Patriots away games while they complete their political and social reformation and integration back into Philadelphia society.
Any recipient of the Ten Year Property Tax Abatement shall receive a one-time fine of $215 (residential) or $484 (commercial) payable to the Philadelphia School District. Scofflaws will not be eligible for library cards and/or fined up to 50% the valuation of their properties.
Any applicant applying for or attempting to build an AI data center will have their personal information published on the city’s website landing page adjacent to the contact information for the nearest manure suppliers.
Urbanism and a Livable City
Fare dodging will not be prosecuted.
South Street shall be converted to a pedestrian-only throughway using “woonerfs” and “bioswales” and other such urbanist archetecture nerd shit.
Hostile architecture (such as benches designed to not be laid on by folks just needing a fucking break) will be illegal to design or build. Existing hostile architecture shall be replaced with comfy and cozy benches, planters, etc.
Skate-stoppers (those little bumps on ledges and planters that prevent skateboarders from doing sick grinds and slides) shall be removed and recycled into bottle openers for all city residents.
All SEPTA reductions in service shall be reversed to pre-2020 levels. City residents may deduct $1 per late transit ride from their taxes.,
Implementation of “Joe’s Law”: Bicycle riders injured by automobile drivers coming closer than 3 feet on city streets may use the city’s power of asset forfeiture to pursue damages against aggressive drivers and their vehicles.
PPA Debt Jubilee: Every person, living and deceased, that votes for Banjax will have all PPA tickets and fines waived and eradicated.
Cybertruck owners will not be eligible for this program (or library cards).
The PPA will be dissolved (by force, if necessary) and all towing activities will be coordinated by a worker’s council on a block-by-block basis.
The worker’s councils will be comprised of immediately recallable delegates that will hold parking violators accountable through weekly ideological struggle sessions. The struggle sessions will be aired on the city’s public access television channels for entertainment purposes.
Former PPA workers may apply for the city’s newly created Animal Waste Removal Officer positions.
A Peoples Referendum ™ will be called on allowing or dis-allowing the saving of parking spots in residential neighborhoods.
Once the ballot question is complete, Banjax-branded traffic cones will be distributed to all Philadelphia residents on a first-come, first-serve basis for general use regardless of the outcome of the referendum.
Public urination shall cease to be a municipal offense on Sundays from September to February.
Graffiti removal operations under the Community Life Improvement Program (CLIP) shall be suspended indefinetly.
The annual budget for the graffiti removal cleaning solution known as “Taginator™” shall be re-designated to a public revolving slush fund for food and drink redeemable by any city resident at Tattooed Mom’s.
Climate Justice and Environmental Reclamation
Each and every resident shall be issued a copy of the quintessential eco-anarchist text Desert. An annual quiz will be administered by the City to meter out prizes for passing (and if necessary, punishments for failing) to ensure that Philadelphians comprehend the end-game scenarios of water shortages, climate migration, and the fall of world governments in the wake of unfettered capitalism, privately funded surveillance states, and profit-driven ecocide.
Littering is to be encouraged as an act of civic pride and solidarity.
The Schuykill is to be officially named as part of the Atlantic Ocean and designated as international waters.
The disposal or defenestration of electronic batteries into any body of water within city limits shall cease to be a municipal offense.
Daylight savings time will be abolished from all city services and departments.
Public Safety
Center City Sips shall be designated as a proscribed terrorist organization.
The contents of the food pantry and bar at the Fraternal Order Of Police Lodge 5’s 7C club will be confiscated and distributed at the West Philly Farmer’s Market.
The mayor commits to opening the Police Chief position to non-human entities, including farm animals (and/or self-identifying members of the Furry community.)
PPD Motorcycle Patrol service wear will be forfeited to the Philadelphia Leather Society for use in their annual Mr./Mrs./Mx. Leather Philadelphia pageant.
PPD will adopt a new color palate for uniforms based on Wawa corporate branding.
Flock and other private surveillance company cameras may only be installed within the stadium complexes and must be aimed at the playing field only. The camera feeds will be able to be viewed publicly via the City's website.
External Relationships with Other Governments
Philadelphia will no longer be sister cities with Tel-Aviv Yafo in Israel. It shall be replaced with Belfast, Ireland.
The importation ban on the caffeinated fortified wine beverage known as “Buckfast Tonic Wine” shall be lifted within city limits.
All city residents and businesses are encouraged to ship any bio-compostable materiel to Harrisburg via city-manged freight trains.
Residents protesting the presence of Immigration and Customs Enforcement agents shall be given qualified immunity.
Philadelphia residents may take advantage of a new intra-state blackwater sewer line (using repurposed Liquid Natural Gas pipelines) with a new facility terminating on Pennsylvania Avenue in Washington DC.